What do you wish to be?

They asked me a million times, the same thing over and over. "Who do you want to be when you grow up?", they said. Somehow this question has been a constant safe resort for all the distant or close uncles and aunts I (and most of you, I'm sure) have had. They always are interested in our future plans, though often forgetting our answers within the next blink of an eye. Somehow it has collectively become a part and parcel of the Indian (and now worldwide, it seems) psyche, that a person is worthy of notice only if he's working towards some end, passionately. Another thing is, this question that I fully dissected by gauging the motives behind, the tone of and the way of asking, has evolved into something that needs a 'materialistic' answer. I mean, there's this famous saying wherein a kid said "I wanna be happy" when asked this question, and was thought to be simple and innocent by the adults who most probably returned with the same question a few years later, and got a more satisfactory 'materialistic' answer. Why does the answer have to be doctor, engineer, architect, scientist, astronaut (which is what I meant by 'materialistic')? Why can't it be something as simple as happy? Why can't the other stuff just fall into place as we go along? Why is being undecided or unsure such a stigma? The collective psychology of a developing country seems to be deviating more and more towards the 'idea' of productivity and success, but what these words mean essentially, is changing drastically.

I used to think quite a lot about how to answer this question, when asked, in my childhood days. I had those phases everyone goes through, doctor, scientist, vet, actress, TV show host, etc. But several years back, I remember sitting in my balcony and wondering, really what is it that I want to become? I have been a person who decides the kind of impression I want to make on people and mould myself accordingly, and I have been berated time and again for caring what people think. I have loved to have many, many friends, and I have liked to have an inner group who actually know me on another level, but usually all my friends would know everything happening in my life, though maybe not the way I thought about stuff. Again I got a lot of criticism on being so open with everyone and was told to be shrewd, careful and calculative. I would be closer to friends I met everyday, and I would be a little farther to the other friends, but though far, they never were out of the picture. Openly admitting this reality seemed something no one could digest. I love shoes, clothes, and I would like myself to look a little better in the stuff I wear, and hence have this fetish for shopping. I was often told how all this was superficial, artificial and at times, fake. I got thinking after all these open rebukes and disapproving comments. There's also (I know I'm in the danger of talking too much about myself) the fact that if you tell me to keep a secret, or I think something you told me is sensitive information, no one will ever hear of it from me, but as long as you are openly open with me, I will take it as granted permission that I can use what you say as a conversation starter or an anecdote in further encounters, unabashedly. And the closer I get to you, I'll get more and more open, loud and 'me' with you. Now, people have often accused me of being a 'gossip-girl', a 'tom-boy', a 'loud-chatterbox' and I often felt hurt at all these tags, mulling for days over what these meant. Opinionated is another thing they called me, but I think there are places where I have some views that are pretty strong, and I feel no shame in expressing them. Also, something I have observed about people is that, no matter who it is, everyone's trying to be consistent, whether with a little or a profound lack of success matters not, everyone's trying. I tried and failed, to be consistent (Cringe, don't you?). I change opinions about some topics I don't feel strongly about quite often, when a new perspective emerges, and I have been told that I need to be more consistent in all my opinions. Why I am telling you all this, you wonder?

This one recent attack on me, wherein some people questioned my trustworthiness and truthfulness finally gave shape to my thoughts. I have tried changing myself to all these advises and all the other random trivial ideas thrown in my way. I have tried being sober, tried being diplomatic, tried being controlled, and tried being the kind of girl you want me to be. And what have I discovered you ask? I discovered that there's just one thing I want to be. Unapologetic. I am the person I was, and any changes in that are subject to my taste and approval. I am not trying to be consistent, likeable, or cliche in anyway, and not trying to fit into something I don't want to fit into. I am trying to be myself, truthful, honest, and blunt at times, and keeping with those words, however much you try, whether I take your opinion in account or not, is in my hands.